Being Martha-Worrying about things pt.2

I didn't realize how much "Martha" was apart of my family life.  She was so much a part of my marriage that I never let my husband be a husband becasue I had to do everything right and according to how my brain processed things.  "Martha" also spilled over to my children as well. I fussed when they were dragging, I fussed when they were getting ready for school, I fussed becasue they did not want to eat breakfast.  I was angry at my husband for a very long time becasue he never seemed to be able to help with anything; I de-valued what ever efforts he was putting, because he was not taking care of business according to me.  My "Martha fix-it mode" was always in high gear and I was always scrambling to make things work, make things right.  I was in this whirlwind of sorts, as someone once told me-I was actually quite offended-and I really didn't find anything wrong with it.  This description was coming from someone, who waited until the last minute to do things and then "slapped it together." Really?!?!? Where ministry was concerned, I was in this never ending cycle of mental destruction because in my mind, no one was being obedient to the Man of God and they were not behaving the way Kingdom children should...

I did not realize how much weight I was carrying. I was mentally fatigued which caused me to be physically tired as well.  Like Martha, everything had to always be right, in some sort of order. It took another familiar incident at my church concerning my assigned ministry, resulting in loss of friendships, family, hurt and aggravation for me to realize that I needed to change me.  I had no control over things...God had to get my attention. In the midst of my tears I asked God "Why Again?!?!" I cant do this. What am I doing wrong? At home, my finances were out of control, I was struggling to pay my rent, I was worried about my daughter who is in college not having her needs met; I was worried about what my children thought of me--was I failing them?- My husband was silent in all of this; not sure if he was concerned or just plain not worried becasue he was confident that "Martha" would fix it.  At church, all I was trying to do was follow the order that was asked of me. How difficult is that? Why aren't people doing as we were told to do? I didn't care about my title, I just wanted everything to be in order.  Almost in a state of schizophrenia, I began to wrestle with the events of my life. I was worried about what people were thinking, and saying.  No one seemed to understand that all I was trying to to do was follow the direction of the Man of God to the best of my ability.
I was losing sleep over this, going over it in my mind, what I could have done differently; thinking "here we go again..."  I cried, this time the cycle cut me in my soul.  I found myself in the wideness, alone. Where did I go wrong? AGAIN?!?!?!?!?

Please Daddy, I cant do this again. I was at a low place...Help me!!! Daddy Please help me. HE ANSWERED MY CALL.

Being Martha- The Transformation pt. 3