Being Martha- The Transformation Begins

As I continue to live out Psalm 139,  God begin to really speak, and I was taking the time to really listen.  Now we all know that God does not always have a "burning bush moment" with us, but He will use what ever means necessary to reach us.  I subscribe to the 'spirit of prophesy Bulletin" by Faith Tabernacle with Bill and Marsha Burns (http://ft111.com/) and God has been using this man and woman of God to touch my heart especially when I am going through. Don't you just Love God? My Abba was addressing my issues and answering my prayers and addressing my concerns and my character though this bulletin, and the Holy Spirit.  It was during my recovery from surgery---when I had no choice but to be still--that I begin to really discern His voice. He began to lead me down the "path of righteousness for His Name Sake." 

There was a clear battle going on in my mind and I was tired of losing it.  The stronghold of "Martha" was being used against me and was slowly taking me out of the will of God.  I was making decisions based on this stronghold; right ones and wrong ones. Daily, the Holy Spirit would send Word from my Daddy about what I should, whose I am,  What needed to be changed in me.  I was listening.

First I had to deal with my insecurities.  While I do exhibit confidence, it is sometimes a mask to the surety of things.  I never realized how deep my insecurities ran, because "Martha" was always in control of the emotions.  I had to deal with years of feeling unloved, of forgiving myself for self inflicted hurt. I had a lot of baggage to let go of. I buried myself in activities--here goes Martha again--hoping to fill a void.  But when it was all said and done, I felt lonely, and as an only child, sometimes that is not always a good feeling.  My Bishop prophesied that if I came all the way over in God, that He will fill that void. And all of my needs would be met.  There is so much I want God to do, so many promises that have not yet been fulfilled and I am not getting any younger, though I know our timing is not His.

So I am allowing my self to be transformed.  I know that the enemy will fight me at every turn, but if I just stay focused on God, remembering to stay prayerful, I know that I will be transformed in to the woman God has purposed me to be.  I was sharing my journey with my friend one day and she said something to me that was very profound.  She said that God was uncovering my issues layer by layer, the same way an archeologist uncovers its discovery; digging it up all ay once would destroy me mentally, my mind couldn't handle it.  i received it, I am very careful about who I allow in my ear.  Uncovering it all, all at once my not be the healthiest thing.

Daily I fight for my transformation. To be a Woman After God's Own Heart!!!!

Being Martha-Worrying about things pt.2

I didn't realize how much "Martha" was apart of my family life.  She was so much a part of my marriage that I never let my husband be a husband becasue I had to do everything right and according to how my brain processed things.  "Martha" also spilled over to my children as well. I fussed when they were dragging, I fussed when they were getting ready for school, I fussed becasue they did not want to eat breakfast.  I was angry at my husband for a very long time becasue he never seemed to be able to help with anything; I de-valued what ever efforts he was putting, because he was not taking care of business according to me.  My "Martha fix-it mode" was always in high gear and I was always scrambling to make things work, make things right.  I was in this whirlwind of sorts, as someone once told me-I was actually quite offended-and I really didn't find anything wrong with it.  This description was coming from someone, who waited until the last minute to do things and then "slapped it together." Really?!?!? Where ministry was concerned, I was in this never ending cycle of mental destruction because in my mind, no one was being obedient to the Man of God and they were not behaving the way Kingdom children should...

I did not realize how much weight I was carrying. I was mentally fatigued which caused me to be physically tired as well.  Like Martha, everything had to always be right, in some sort of order. It took another familiar incident at my church concerning my assigned ministry, resulting in loss of friendships, family, hurt and aggravation for me to realize that I needed to change me.  I had no control over things...God had to get my attention. In the midst of my tears I asked God "Why Again?!?!" I cant do this. What am I doing wrong? At home, my finances were out of control, I was struggling to pay my rent, I was worried about my daughter who is in college not having her needs met; I was worried about what my children thought of me--was I failing them?- My husband was silent in all of this; not sure if he was concerned or just plain not worried becasue he was confident that "Martha" would fix it.  At church, all I was trying to do was follow the order that was asked of me. How difficult is that? Why aren't people doing as we were told to do? I didn't care about my title, I just wanted everything to be in order.  Almost in a state of schizophrenia, I began to wrestle with the events of my life. I was worried about what people were thinking, and saying.  No one seemed to understand that all I was trying to to do was follow the direction of the Man of God to the best of my ability.
I was losing sleep over this, going over it in my mind, what I could have done differently; thinking "here we go again..."  I cried, this time the cycle cut me in my soul.  I found myself in the wideness, alone. Where did I go wrong? AGAIN?!?!?!?!?

Please Daddy, I cant do this again. I was at a low place...Help me!!! Daddy Please help me. HE ANSWERED MY CALL.

Being Martha- The Transformation pt. 3

Being Martha-Worrying about things pt.1

 As they continued their travel, Jesus entered a village. A woman by the name of Martha welcomed him and made him feel quite at home. She had a sister, Mary, who sat before the Master, hanging on every word he said. But Martha was pulled away by all she had to do in the kitchen. Later, she stepped in, interrupting them. "Master, don't you care that my sister has abandoned the kitchen to me? Tell her to lend me a hand."
The Master said, "Martha, dear Martha, you're fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing. One thing only is essential, and Mary has chosen it—it's the main course, and won't be taken from her." LUKE 10:38-42 (MSG)


Every time I read this passage in the Bible, I always chuckle becasue I see so much of my self in Martha.  Truth be told this has been much of the reason why I have been going around in a cycle because I am too busy trying to make sure everything is in order.  Is that really a flaw? I often asked God that question, arguing that He made this why so why is it a problem that I like things to go smoothly, avert unnecessary issues, and plan for things not to always go right?  Yeah, and about people who sit and do not complete the task at hand? a pet peeve of mine. UNTIL 2012, 7 1/2 years into my ministry and I found myself in the same situation, making the same complaint about people, get the same backlash from leaders, being accused of of bringing confusion, lost another set of friends and family when all I THOUGHT I was doing was following protocol.  Talk about broken, frustrated, tired and annoyed? Something had to give becasue I was not going through this again.  What am I doing wrong? Nope this time I had to look at ME.

I purchased a book titled the "Having a Mary Spirit" sequel to "Having a Mary Spirit in a Martha World" years ago, and it sat collecting dust.  God heard my plea and the book "appeared". I picked it up, started reading it, then put it down.  I perceived the Spirit of the Lord telling me that I asked for Him to search me and I have been given the tools to assist in looking at the INNER-ME. I picked up the book again and within seconds, ME was being revealed in the pages of the book.

The spirit of Martha is not a issue in the world-or maybe it is-but it is of great concern in the Kingdom. This character flaw only surfaced when I joined a ministry, and then began to function in it. "We start operating in our gifts and talents---excited to be serving the Messiah---only to have our efforts morph into a full blown pity party when we don't get enough help, or we aren't appreciated..." (Excerpt from Having a Mary Spirit p. 3).  That is exactly how I was feeling in Round 2 of match. Again! The first time, I was new to the Black Church experience (having come out of Catholicism), ministry and church protocol. In my head it was very simple, we are all here to serve one God, one purpose and worship Him alone. Garments had to be in order, dance selections had to follow a season, time frames needed to be set to be fully prepared to bring a worship dance selection; everyone had to know and understand their purpose and if all of that seemed to go left then, like Martha I complained not only to people, but to God " Lord don't you care that my sister(s) have left me to do the work all by myself? Make them help, make them see that they are wrong and I am right!" In spite of the Pastor telling me to be still and let God operate, I was on a mission. God this is for you!!!! Ahhh, Patrice, Patrice, I perceived the Lord telling me, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed."  It took me three years to figure out what that was.

Stay tuned for part 2 of Being Martha.

In His Name I Dance

PM

Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve-Final Warning

After being on a short medical leave, I returned to church and what and awesome time in God I had.  My bishop who is also a TRUE prophet of the Lord and everything he has ever uttered has come to pass, gave me a Word from the Lord: "Choose today who you are going to serve, God told me to tell you this is your final warning..." If you don't you will fall so deep that you will not be able to come back.  If you do that the void that you feel, I will fill it, says the Lord..."  Well I must tell you that in the midst of my tears, I was confused because I couldn't figure out what he was talking about.  On my way home, I ask God to reveal to me what I was doing wrong. I went on line and researched the biblical scripture of "Choose ye this day whom you shall serve..."  trying to get some inclination as to what God was asking of me, warning me about.  I found that most studies also associate this scripture with "You cannot serve two master -God and man". So now the question is, what am I running from, and what I am trying to fill this emptiness with? Better yet, where am I empty? Have buried it so deep, occupied myself with "other gods" that I don't even know the root of my emptiness? I don't know what void I am trying to fill?
Why was He warning me again? (This was the second time Bishop had said this to me). It was almost verbatim.  Here I am, fighting for my salvation, trying to get back to that place of relationship with God, striving to be a woman after God's heart, and then, this prophetic word hit me like a ton of bricks. I was restless in my sleep all night.  Even as I write this blog, I am still trying to find meaning. What Daddy? Where have I replaced you? and with what? who?  This Christ walk almost seems hopeless. Still I fight to stay the course, for the race is not given to the swift, right?
I pray that God will reveal it to me...and soon.

Why David, Martha and Mary???

"Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life." Psalm 139:23-24 (MSG)
 
After praying Psalm 139 for long, I finally realized that I was reciting the Psalm but not praying the Psalm.  I was well aware of what King David was asking God to do, but like Martha I was too busy making sure thing were "in order" with my ministry to be like Mary and be at Jesus' feet to really hear what He was saying to me concerning me.  It was in the midst of another series of hurtful events concerning the ministry, that I heard the Holy Spirit ask me "are you ready to change or do you want to go through this cycle again?"  The key was "Am I ready to change..." What was I doing wrong?  Like Martha, I was so busy looking at what everyone else was doing wrong, that I did not pay attention to my own role. Not that I was not aware that I had some hand in it, but in my mind I was erring on the side of church protocol, policies and directives from my Bishop and allowed myself to have tunnel vision as to the real issue, being "Martha" and being like "Mary".  Anyone who knows me, knows that King David, second to Christ, is my favorite biblical figure.  He was first and foremost a worshiper. What fascinated me more about him, as I began to study David, was that David was far from perfect, and yet he had the heart of God.  I was encouraged because i thought if God can do it for him, He surely will do it for me.  and to boot, David did not have the benefit of Christ who redeemed us, but the Law and God's Mercy. 

Tired and frustrated with myself, I finally made up in my mind that I had to change, that I had to do things differently, I had to really look introspectively, even if it meant going back down memory lane to the painful memories that kept me bound.  The first thing I realized is that while I had moved on, I had not forgiven myself and others for the pain they caused and the guilt I carried because of I what perceived to be my failures.  It was those unforgiven memories that kept me in the vicious cycle of frustration, hurt and annoyance.  Again, I would recite "everything works together for the good of those who love God..." but when it came time to apply it to my life, I fell back into a state of disappointment in myself and others, and it all became entangled in my "Black Widow's Web". 

I once again went back to David, a man known for being "a man after God's own heart", so I decided that I wanted to be a "Woman after God's own heart", I looked at Martha and saw so much of my own character, not only in my daily life abut in my ministry and even my prayer life and realized, I want to be like Mary, never missing an opportunity to enjoy the presence of God when He shows up.  Thus the journey begins...

Psalm 139:1-16, (MSG)
God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand. I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight. You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too— your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful— I can't take it all in! 7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight? If I climb to the sky, you're there! If I go underground, you're there! If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon, You'd find me in a minute— you're already there waiting! Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I'm immersed in the light!" It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you. 13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.  
23-24 Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life.