Being Martha-The Gemini

¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. ²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

 ROMANS 7:15-24

It is not surprising that I can identify with the Gemini trait as I am one-June 16.  This two-faced astrological sign. Being one way with some and another way with others. Moody some people called it.  But within, there was some sort of schizophrenic personality that I try o hard to hide from people.  Who is this other person? I don't know. I like her though. she is cool when needed.  But as I began to grow in Christ, I realized that this "twin" was not a twin at all. It was the flesh working against the spirit.  She had been such apart of my life, strong-willed, determined, defensive, protective. No one was allowed to get close to her sister, and if the sister allowed it, she lay in wait at the first opportunity to strike.  One day I stumbled across Romans 7. Not really sure how. In that moment I saw my spirit self and flesh across the pages of the Bible, the Living Word of God.  The turmoil of wanting to be one way, but acting another.  And the further my walk in Christ, the harder it got.

"Whether we realize it or not, we all have a little Dr. Jekyl and Ms. Hyde going on inside...We all feel the influence of the Flesh Woman--the unholy roommate, [my twin]...She is that contrary, rebellious, incredibly self-centered version of you who shows up when things don't go the way you planned and life seems habitually unfair" Unleashing Twanda, p.27.  My twin however is a force to be reckoned with.  Unpredictable, sensitive, like a storm; she brews on the inside. Always watching, processing, eliminating the garbage.  Content in who she is, makes no apologies for defending what she believes is right--even if she is wrong.  As I use "Having a Mary Spirit- Allowing God to change is from the Inside out" as a guide in my transformation to be the woman of God I am destined to be, every page is is a mirror of me. Joan Weaver descibes her Flesh Woman as having an attitude of righteous indignation used to justify the not-so-righteous anger..The flattery poured on in order to secure coveted positions, the false humility in which we cloak ourselves while secretly hoping to be admired.  I know her too, she is my twin.  Determined to remain in control of my life, whatever the cost.

Daily, I struggle to gain control of Woman of God in me. But the cares of this world makes it easy sometimes to let my twin take over.  I must remember that safety is not behind the mask of my twin but in the arms of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Romans 7 tells me why my twin is so strong, but Romans 8 gives me the hope to know that His dying was not in vain.  As I press on to be like Mary and be a Woman after God's own heart, I purpose to peel back the layers that I have brought me to this battlefield.

Being Martha-The Tranfomation pt.2

As I begin the process of uncovering the layers that have kept me bound, I realize that is is not as simple as I had expected.  I tried to walk away from ministry, the ministry of dance, and just keep it simple. Me and God at 5 am, devotional time, church services, bible study. I thought that if I limited my time to those things that I would begin to feel free.  But the minute I felt some relief, a peace of mind, I felt an urge to pick up those things that I thought were holding me hostage--ministry.  My home life was being challenged, but I handled that with class. In the midst of my desire to be transformed, my car was repossessed and I had no money to pay it.  The interesting thing is that when the "Repo Man" showed up I was in the middle of my nightly devotional. Literally having just closed the Bible, the door bell rang and they were putting my car on a tow truck.  I was mad, but I was at a different place and my reaction was slightly different.  I temporarily shut down. My husband was disappointed in himself and he felt he had let me down.  Not with a Martha spirit, but with a spirit of peace, I told him it was going be o.k.  I was hurting, I cried secretly, but still I knew it was going to be alright.  I had to humble myself and ask my 22 year old daughter to borrow her car.  I say "humble" because "Martha" was not there to mask the issues.  I was embarrassed that my daughter knew that my car had gotten repossessed.  There was nothing I could do, but be grateful to God that I had a way to get to work as did my daughter. I felt myself going back to my old ways, trying to mask the pain, show strength as my way of pretending that nothing was wrong. I refused to go there.  While I was not going to wear my brokenness on my sleeves, nor share with anyone who would listen what I was going through at that moment, I surely was not going to hide it from my friends--close, trusted friends.

The Holy Spirit was still talking, encouraging me to stay on track; to pass this test.

Beloved, do not overreact to negative circumstances that come up before your face. You will be tested in ways that will reveal the things in your nature that need to be overcome. This is a good thing, for I am fine tuning you so that you will become stronger spiritually. Your transformation into My image will be by the renewing of your mind, or changing your mind about your responses to difficulty, says the Lord.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Faith Tabernacle Bill and Marsha Burns - Spirit of Prophecy Bulletin October 3, 2012 SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS

God is in control and everything in His timing.  I am learning to trust Him, to be grateful for the simply being ALIVE, nothing else really matters. My children are happy and safe, I have gainful employment to go to, food to eat, a roof over my head and clothes on my back.  I am content.

In spite of this unveiling in the midst of my trial, the war within me was raging and Martha was trying to reassert herself in my life.  "The high octane, high-anxiety, chronically overachieving woman"p.6 Jesus has been rebuking. Me, the woman who, for so long busied herself in her brokenness, was showing her self strong. In a different way. Not complaining but making masked emotional decisions.  I took it out on God and my calling.  I sent a a text message to my Bishop and said "I am requesting to be removed from the Dance ministry, I need more of God..." Really??? Walking away from ministry made me feel better. It did, well at least my flesh did. 

It did not take long for God to step in and keep me from myself.  My Daddy who knows all, sees all, feels all.  My "Martha" was trying to take me  far away from God's Grace.  In addition to "Martha", the pharisee mentality was at work in me as well.  My Bishop says it best:" The enemy does come to battle alone, he comes with some of his friends too."  No matter how pure my intent was, the only results I was getting was an unhealthy self-obsession and self-worth that was (is) swinging between feelings of inordinate pride or overwhelming failure--depending on my mood.


God is not through me yet, daily I fight for my transformation. But bu HIS Grace and Mercy, I decree I WILL BE TRANSFORMED!!! I will pass His test

Being Martha- The Transformation Begins

As I continue to live out Psalm 139,  God begin to really speak, and I was taking the time to really listen.  Now we all know that God does not always have a "burning bush moment" with us, but He will use what ever means necessary to reach us.  I subscribe to the 'spirit of prophesy Bulletin" by Faith Tabernacle with Bill and Marsha Burns (http://ft111.com/) and God has been using this man and woman of God to touch my heart especially when I am going through. Don't you just Love God? My Abba was addressing my issues and answering my prayers and addressing my concerns and my character though this bulletin, and the Holy Spirit.  It was during my recovery from surgery---when I had no choice but to be still--that I begin to really discern His voice. He began to lead me down the "path of righteousness for His Name Sake." 

There was a clear battle going on in my mind and I was tired of losing it.  The stronghold of "Martha" was being used against me and was slowly taking me out of the will of God.  I was making decisions based on this stronghold; right ones and wrong ones. Daily, the Holy Spirit would send Word from my Daddy about what I should, whose I am,  What needed to be changed in me.  I was listening.

First I had to deal with my insecurities.  While I do exhibit confidence, it is sometimes a mask to the surety of things.  I never realized how deep my insecurities ran, because "Martha" was always in control of the emotions.  I had to deal with years of feeling unloved, of forgiving myself for self inflicted hurt. I had a lot of baggage to let go of. I buried myself in activities--here goes Martha again--hoping to fill a void.  But when it was all said and done, I felt lonely, and as an only child, sometimes that is not always a good feeling.  My Bishop prophesied that if I came all the way over in God, that He will fill that void. And all of my needs would be met.  There is so much I want God to do, so many promises that have not yet been fulfilled and I am not getting any younger, though I know our timing is not His.

So I am allowing my self to be transformed.  I know that the enemy will fight me at every turn, but if I just stay focused on God, remembering to stay prayerful, I know that I will be transformed in to the woman God has purposed me to be.  I was sharing my journey with my friend one day and she said something to me that was very profound.  She said that God was uncovering my issues layer by layer, the same way an archeologist uncovers its discovery; digging it up all ay once would destroy me mentally, my mind couldn't handle it.  i received it, I am very careful about who I allow in my ear.  Uncovering it all, all at once my not be the healthiest thing.

Daily I fight for my transformation. To be a Woman After God's Own Heart!!!!

Being Martha-Worrying about things pt.2

I didn't realize how much "Martha" was apart of my family life.  She was so much a part of my marriage that I never let my husband be a husband becasue I had to do everything right and according to how my brain processed things.  "Martha" also spilled over to my children as well. I fussed when they were dragging, I fussed when they were getting ready for school, I fussed becasue they did not want to eat breakfast.  I was angry at my husband for a very long time becasue he never seemed to be able to help with anything; I de-valued what ever efforts he was putting, because he was not taking care of business according to me.  My "Martha fix-it mode" was always in high gear and I was always scrambling to make things work, make things right.  I was in this whirlwind of sorts, as someone once told me-I was actually quite offended-and I really didn't find anything wrong with it.  This description was coming from someone, who waited until the last minute to do things and then "slapped it together." Really?!?!? Where ministry was concerned, I was in this never ending cycle of mental destruction because in my mind, no one was being obedient to the Man of God and they were not behaving the way Kingdom children should...

I did not realize how much weight I was carrying. I was mentally fatigued which caused me to be physically tired as well.  Like Martha, everything had to always be right, in some sort of order. It took another familiar incident at my church concerning my assigned ministry, resulting in loss of friendships, family, hurt and aggravation for me to realize that I needed to change me.  I had no control over things...God had to get my attention. In the midst of my tears I asked God "Why Again?!?!" I cant do this. What am I doing wrong? At home, my finances were out of control, I was struggling to pay my rent, I was worried about my daughter who is in college not having her needs met; I was worried about what my children thought of me--was I failing them?- My husband was silent in all of this; not sure if he was concerned or just plain not worried becasue he was confident that "Martha" would fix it.  At church, all I was trying to do was follow the order that was asked of me. How difficult is that? Why aren't people doing as we were told to do? I didn't care about my title, I just wanted everything to be in order.  Almost in a state of schizophrenia, I began to wrestle with the events of my life. I was worried about what people were thinking, and saying.  No one seemed to understand that all I was trying to to do was follow the direction of the Man of God to the best of my ability.
I was losing sleep over this, going over it in my mind, what I could have done differently; thinking "here we go again..."  I cried, this time the cycle cut me in my soul.  I found myself in the wideness, alone. Where did I go wrong? AGAIN?!?!?!?!?

Please Daddy, I cant do this again. I was at a low place...Help me!!! Daddy Please help me. HE ANSWERED MY CALL.

Being Martha- The Transformation pt. 3

Being Martha-Worrying about things pt.1

 As they continued their travel, Jesus entered a village. A woman by the name of Martha welcomed him and made him feel quite at home. She had a sister, Mary, who sat before the Master, hanging on every word he said. But Martha was pulled away by all she had to do in the kitchen. Later, she stepped in, interrupting them. "Master, don't you care that my sister has abandoned the kitchen to me? Tell her to lend me a hand."
The Master said, "Martha, dear Martha, you're fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing. One thing only is essential, and Mary has chosen it—it's the main course, and won't be taken from her." LUKE 10:38-42 (MSG)


Every time I read this passage in the Bible, I always chuckle becasue I see so much of my self in Martha.  Truth be told this has been much of the reason why I have been going around in a cycle because I am too busy trying to make sure everything is in order.  Is that really a flaw? I often asked God that question, arguing that He made this why so why is it a problem that I like things to go smoothly, avert unnecessary issues, and plan for things not to always go right?  Yeah, and about people who sit and do not complete the task at hand? a pet peeve of mine. UNTIL 2012, 7 1/2 years into my ministry and I found myself in the same situation, making the same complaint about people, get the same backlash from leaders, being accused of of bringing confusion, lost another set of friends and family when all I THOUGHT I was doing was following protocol.  Talk about broken, frustrated, tired and annoyed? Something had to give becasue I was not going through this again.  What am I doing wrong? Nope this time I had to look at ME.

I purchased a book titled the "Having a Mary Spirit" sequel to "Having a Mary Spirit in a Martha World" years ago, and it sat collecting dust.  God heard my plea and the book "appeared". I picked it up, started reading it, then put it down.  I perceived the Spirit of the Lord telling me that I asked for Him to search me and I have been given the tools to assist in looking at the INNER-ME. I picked up the book again and within seconds, ME was being revealed in the pages of the book.

The spirit of Martha is not a issue in the world-or maybe it is-but it is of great concern in the Kingdom. This character flaw only surfaced when I joined a ministry, and then began to function in it. "We start operating in our gifts and talents---excited to be serving the Messiah---only to have our efforts morph into a full blown pity party when we don't get enough help, or we aren't appreciated..." (Excerpt from Having a Mary Spirit p. 3).  That is exactly how I was feeling in Round 2 of match. Again! The first time, I was new to the Black Church experience (having come out of Catholicism), ministry and church protocol. In my head it was very simple, we are all here to serve one God, one purpose and worship Him alone. Garments had to be in order, dance selections had to follow a season, time frames needed to be set to be fully prepared to bring a worship dance selection; everyone had to know and understand their purpose and if all of that seemed to go left then, like Martha I complained not only to people, but to God " Lord don't you care that my sister(s) have left me to do the work all by myself? Make them help, make them see that they are wrong and I am right!" In spite of the Pastor telling me to be still and let God operate, I was on a mission. God this is for you!!!! Ahhh, Patrice, Patrice, I perceived the Lord telling me, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed."  It took me three years to figure out what that was.

Stay tuned for part 2 of Being Martha.

In His Name I Dance

PM

Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve-Final Warning

After being on a short medical leave, I returned to church and what and awesome time in God I had.  My bishop who is also a TRUE prophet of the Lord and everything he has ever uttered has come to pass, gave me a Word from the Lord: "Choose today who you are going to serve, God told me to tell you this is your final warning..." If you don't you will fall so deep that you will not be able to come back.  If you do that the void that you feel, I will fill it, says the Lord..."  Well I must tell you that in the midst of my tears, I was confused because I couldn't figure out what he was talking about.  On my way home, I ask God to reveal to me what I was doing wrong. I went on line and researched the biblical scripture of "Choose ye this day whom you shall serve..."  trying to get some inclination as to what God was asking of me, warning me about.  I found that most studies also associate this scripture with "You cannot serve two master -God and man". So now the question is, what am I running from, and what I am trying to fill this emptiness with? Better yet, where am I empty? Have buried it so deep, occupied myself with "other gods" that I don't even know the root of my emptiness? I don't know what void I am trying to fill?
Why was He warning me again? (This was the second time Bishop had said this to me). It was almost verbatim.  Here I am, fighting for my salvation, trying to get back to that place of relationship with God, striving to be a woman after God's heart, and then, this prophetic word hit me like a ton of bricks. I was restless in my sleep all night.  Even as I write this blog, I am still trying to find meaning. What Daddy? Where have I replaced you? and with what? who?  This Christ walk almost seems hopeless. Still I fight to stay the course, for the race is not given to the swift, right?
I pray that God will reveal it to me...and soon.

Why David, Martha and Mary???

"Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life." Psalm 139:23-24 (MSG)
 
After praying Psalm 139 for long, I finally realized that I was reciting the Psalm but not praying the Psalm.  I was well aware of what King David was asking God to do, but like Martha I was too busy making sure thing were "in order" with my ministry to be like Mary and be at Jesus' feet to really hear what He was saying to me concerning me.  It was in the midst of another series of hurtful events concerning the ministry, that I heard the Holy Spirit ask me "are you ready to change or do you want to go through this cycle again?"  The key was "Am I ready to change..." What was I doing wrong?  Like Martha, I was so busy looking at what everyone else was doing wrong, that I did not pay attention to my own role. Not that I was not aware that I had some hand in it, but in my mind I was erring on the side of church protocol, policies and directives from my Bishop and allowed myself to have tunnel vision as to the real issue, being "Martha" and being like "Mary".  Anyone who knows me, knows that King David, second to Christ, is my favorite biblical figure.  He was first and foremost a worshiper. What fascinated me more about him, as I began to study David, was that David was far from perfect, and yet he had the heart of God.  I was encouraged because i thought if God can do it for him, He surely will do it for me.  and to boot, David did not have the benefit of Christ who redeemed us, but the Law and God's Mercy. 

Tired and frustrated with myself, I finally made up in my mind that I had to change, that I had to do things differently, I had to really look introspectively, even if it meant going back down memory lane to the painful memories that kept me bound.  The first thing I realized is that while I had moved on, I had not forgiven myself and others for the pain they caused and the guilt I carried because of I what perceived to be my failures.  It was those unforgiven memories that kept me in the vicious cycle of frustration, hurt and annoyance.  Again, I would recite "everything works together for the good of those who love God..." but when it came time to apply it to my life, I fell back into a state of disappointment in myself and others, and it all became entangled in my "Black Widow's Web". 

I once again went back to David, a man known for being "a man after God's own heart", so I decided that I wanted to be a "Woman after God's own heart", I looked at Martha and saw so much of my own character, not only in my daily life abut in my ministry and even my prayer life and realized, I want to be like Mary, never missing an opportunity to enjoy the presence of God when He shows up.  Thus the journey begins...

Psalm 139:1-16, (MSG)
God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand. I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight. You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too— your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful— I can't take it all in! 7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight? If I climb to the sky, you're there! If I go underground, you're there! If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon, You'd find me in a minute— you're already there waiting! Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I'm immersed in the light!" It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you. 13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.  
23-24 Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life.